"webgard returns"

if i could talk to webgard now i wouldn't tell him anything. for two reasons. one, i never know what to tell people. two, i like to assume he already knows everything.

from the man himself, believe it or not:

I have 7 kids. All boys. Short and tall and white and brown. All different. good kids. I love them all. Not to say they’re perfect though. Zappy doesn’t get a long with the other ones. Moose always gets into fights. Turtle bullshits a lot. Moral can’t get laid. Bert ignores me. Disarray is bi-polar. And Buddha’s a pothead. I’ve tried my best the last 21 years, I’ve tried to teach them everything I know, and even things I never knew I know. I’ve presented the world both idealistically and practically to cover the bases. I’ve stood up for them, yelled at them, lied to them and put on the guilt trip a few hundred times. I’ve spent money on them, drank with them, and taught them how to drive and be chivalrous. But it’s time. They’re all grown up now and I can do no more, it’s time for me to stop “parenting” them and unleash them on the world.

People have kids the same reason they gamble. They want to see if they can do it. If they can beat the house. Hoping for that perfect hand that may never come.

Or maybe they happen to find themselves in Vegas with nothing better to do.

Either way, my job is done. These days I have 2-5 hours of empty I don’t know how to fill. I eat alone. I read. I let them leave.

In their absence remains: one, the need for respect, and no amount will be enough, two, a sense of failure, all those misspoken words and bad judgments and three, a sudden awareness of insignificance.

If parenthood came with a salary we’d all be better parents. It’s hard work and it’s non-profit. The best you can hope for is for them to move on and take you for granted.

I’m done.

project number three: if webgard was a color, which color would he be and why?

project number two: if you could talk to webgard right now, what would u tell him?